066 - Don’t

Don't bite your fingernails in the winter

It really hurts when they begin to splinter

You ought to leave them all intact

Opening cans is easier - that's a fact

Don't jump up and down on the bed

A spring might snap and end up in your head

Or your brain might get jammed in the ceiling

And that's a story that takes some believing

Don't wipe your bum with a piece of wood

Just don't do it - even if you could

You'll get sharp bits up inside your ass

And for me alas, that's a hard pass

Don't run yourself over with your own car

I've done this myself - and whilst it wasn't too far

I got all the skin pulled off my knees

And for some time this caused me some unease

Don't invade Poland in September

This is something you must remember

Because lots of people will end up dead

And you'll have to shoot yourself in the head

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This poem appears in the book World’s Bestest Poetry Volume One, available from the Shop!